Is it really a quarantine? Or is it a lock down? Self Isolation - albeit not really voluntary?
I don’t really know what we’re officially calling this thing that we’re doing by staying home day in and out. I’m sure we can all agree that it’s kinda getting to our heads now. We all know why we are doing it: we need to flatten the curve, reduce the pressure on our healthcare system and spare lives. Our objectives are to stay home, only go out for essential things like food, medical reasons and short bursts of exercise. Well, in Ontario, Premier Doug Ford would prefer we don’t do that either*, so now there’s this guilt that looms over my head (and maybe yours too) when I do that 15 minute walk or run that is literally keeping me sane. Quite honestly, I’m not mad at him for saying so as this is an extra measure that could reduce the spread.
Before I can even start to argue that we should be allowed to do whatever outside to cure the boredom, another ambulance flies by on the streets below my apartment. The third one since I started writing this… 10 minutes ago....
I spoke with the Ethiopian lady at my concierge on Saturday morning after my run. I have to stand behind the rope that is around the desk in order to keep a nearly 9 foot distance from her. We were talking about ambulances. A few woke her up the night before with their lights. Those that got out of the ambulance were all suited up in PPE (personal protective equipment) in order to scoop someone up from the building across from hers. We stared at each other after she told me this. Our silence showed that we mutually agreed on what had happened across the street from her. I wanted so much to tell her that it wasn’t what she thought. Instead, we decided to talk later. I got home, took a shower, turned on the news and saw that there were 375 new cases and 27 deaths in Ontario that day. I turned off the TV.
Another ambulance has flown by again as I write this. They make the anxiety of this all so real.
The heart of downtown Toronto is now a shell of what it used to be. When the ambulances are not screaming in the streets, the helicopters are roaring angrily above the scores of condo and office buildings. I used to hear cars honking like geese in the afternoon and now, one or two discreetly whispers by. The actual geese can be heard clearly these days, however. Planes used to glide through the patch of blue sky outside my window, descending on their flight plan towards Pearson Airport. The construction zone across the street usually teemed with people in bright orange and yellow reflective gear. They would stand in large groups at the edge of the open site. You’d hear them talking, laughing, working and swearing at each other. These days, there are few and they work distantly from each other. The guys in the cranes enjoy their isolation in the sky, minding their own while lifting slabs of concrete. People are skittish on the sidewalks, opting to cross on to the street or grass whenever I go for the forsaken run in the morning. Eye contact is so rare. Sometimes, I try to smile at people; most of the time, I find myself irritated that some people are still congregating in groups of 3-5. Like, what happened to social distancing?
With all the bylaw officers being assigned to monitor social distancing in the streets and the impending arrival of the military who swear they are only here to help, I’m still trying to figure out how to be social in public without breaking any rules. After a semi-essential trip to Dollarama, a woman waved at me and asked me for directions to the store. I couldn’t believe it! I froze and actually questioned her sanity. How could a human have the audacity to speak to me in the streets, right? But the familiarity of speaking to strangers took over and I gave her the directions... with caution. I trailed behind her by 9 feet and instead, judged a bicyclist for coming too close to another bicyclist on the street. Come on, social distancing!
Another ambulance is approaching from the distance now…oh, it’s a firetruck and an ambulance...
For the entirety of that Saturday, my mood was upbeat, even with the exhaustion from a wonderful 5 hour conversation with a friend from Australia the night before. An 18 year long distance friendship and all it took was a virus for us to have a wonderful catch up. I had some great conversations throughout the week with my 2 best girlfriends, my best friend, my aunt and my mom, with Nadine and a lot of friends from the city and beyond. I’ve never been checked up on so much in my life! And I’ve never felt more inclined to check up on others! It made me wonder if it takes trying times like this for people to show their love.
On the contrary, the next day I had to give up on someone I held in such high regard. It shattered my heart to pieces. The contemplation alone was enough to trigger a breakdown in my kitchen as I boiled eggs. The dread of having to have the conversation with this person swallowed my entire Sunday afternoon. The lesson learned? Perhaps a virus is not enough for someone to get over their fears and show love to those that they care about. I can now understand why so many friendships, marriages and relationships have fallen apart during these unprecedented times. Bummer.
To take my mind off of it, I did the best thing possible… cranked up the music and danced in my living room. Alone, yes, but somehow I think that this dancing alone in the living room with the blinds wide open in just a bra, shorts and bunny socks is the icing on this really bitter tasting cake called quarantine... or whatever we are calling it.
The meditation that followed was the best I’ve ever had. Here are some highlights that came from it:
This pandemic thing is not God’s punishment or the stars misleading you and the universe does not hate you. This is the inevitable consequence of the existence of life in general. Diseases happen. Things happen and there isn’t a person, thing or force that willed it on us. When you refrain from pointing fingers or seeing the pandemic as something personal, you will free up the energy inside of you to find ways to become safe, secure and even at peace in all of this.
You’re allowed to feel anxious, scared, confused, fed-up or maybe even angry that this is all happening. We are all going through the stages of change at such a rapid pace that our emotions may be mashed up and unidentifiable. Comb through each feeling piece by piece and allow yourself to feel them in their entirety, pause, and then move to the next one. Just don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings.
You are powerful. You are valuable. You are worth it. You can love and be loved. We have all been hurt before and we may be hurting now. Nobody’s pain is greater than yours; nobody’s pain is less than yours. The pain is there to identify a challenge for us to reflect on ourselves and do better - actually do better. We cannot hide behind our fears forever and expect to grow. From here on out, repeat to yourself: I am powerful. I am valuable. I am worth it. I can love and be loved.
And some extra random things...
You may have heard it already through the internet or television, but I will still say it. You do not need to be ultra productive during this time. What is currently happening is unfathomable and now is the time to prioritize taking care of yourself and your loved ones with all the resources you have available. Deal with your emotions and security first before letting some blog about productivity jujitsu you into feeling guilty. Do things at your own pace.
Also on the internet (and quite possibly on the television) is false information. Please crosscheck your news and facts with credible sources. There are so many stories out there that this is a man made virus, that it is caused by 5G, that drinking high proof alcohol or bleach can kill the virus, that this is a fake virus that was created to keep us home so that they can change the batteries on the birds… Please refer to point 1.
Last, but certainly not least:
Our healthcare workers, doctors, nurses, lab techs, our police officers, firefighters, EMS and teachers, grocery store workers, janitors and cleaners, delivery staff, food bank volunteers, those that work in shelters, those that have donated food and money, our Mayors, Premiers, Prime Minister, our leaders - I’m obviously missing many others, but we know who they are. They are all our heroes. We love you, we love you, WE LOVE YOU!
Another ambulance…
*Source: Global News - https://youtu.be/xTo27DHzXjU?t=307