I’ve been super quiet on social media these days and I know that many of you are sensing it. A lot of you have been asking how I am holding up and I really appreciate the emails, messages, texts and calls.
Like nearly everyone else in the world, I’m practicing social distancing...err, physical distancing since we’re not completely shutting ourselves away from people, right? This is something that pretty much everyone can find difficult, annoying and even downright irritating. Meanwhile, all of the introverts out there are having the best times of their lives and extroverts like me are well…
I’ll be completely honest: although I am doing my part, I am struggling.
There, I said it.
When this whole virus thing started rolling out, I was literally in the midst of a crisis and already facing everything from severing ties with many close people, dealing with the never-ending work and rejections of the music industry and then tragically losing a number of family members and idols and not being able to physically be there for a really good friend who had just lost his mother. The icing on this emotional cake was the recurring appearance of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), which decided to manifest itself as feelings of impending doom, frequent anxiety attacks and a very interesting array of dreams in which death was everywhere. As you can imagine, not much sleep was had.
There were bright things though: I was preparing to attend the Junos, rehearsing for this summer’s festivals, getting ready to announce my first international show in Costa Rica, attending major events in the city, reuniting with the Karibuni crew on CIUT 89.5 FM, and preparing 2 music videos and a photo shoot. Hooray!
And then the sleuth called Covid-19 made its silent, invisible entrance into North America.
Junos: cancelled. Okay, call Air Canada, sort it all out.
Costa Rica show: cancelled. Umm… we can still continue to go to-
CIUT 89.5 FM: Can’t go there. Oh… and-
Video & Photo Shoots: Social distancing time! What the-
Future shows: Cancelled/Postponed/Unsure. Surely, I can-
Rehearsals & Gym: Nope. Closed. Okay, so-
Any future work: Nobody knows. Well, shit…
A state of emergency was declared. Everything shut down and everyone had to stay home, stay home, stay home, stay home, stay the f*ck home... (repeat 2000x for those that weren’t paying attention).
It can’t be that bad, right?
As part of my plan to calm down, I ordered food like Premier Doug Ford said was the right thing to do and I callously forgot to mention my allergies on UberEats. Suddenly, I was sneezing, I had an itchy throat and a runny nose. I called my best friend immediately, probably talking at 400 kph about how I am going to die and to promise he will bury me in a particular way. He asked me only a few questions and then told me to “take a f***ing antihistamine and go to bed”. I did... after calling one of my doctor friends because I’m paranoid like that. I was fine…
Well… then I lost my voice which was bound to happen since I hadn’t been sleeping, eating properly, drinking enough water, talking on the phone for nearly 20 hours a day and clearly not taking good care of myself. In the midst of my whole world crashing down around me, I couldn’t even do the one thing that I loved to do the most: sing!
I had to figure out how to keep this crazy pandemic from taking over my life and do what I called “deal and heal”. Here’s what that looked like:
Limits
I started to limit the amount of news that I was watching to just 1 hour a day of only local news plus any speeches by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Premier Doug Ford and Mayor John Tory. No other world leaders as I only want to know what affects me immediately. I could only watch 30 minutes of Youtube videos that spoke about anything to do with the virus (and viruses) and pandemic (and pandemics). Nothing more after 9pm.
Schedule Changes
I used to be up at 8:30am and usually be in bed by around 1-2am to accommodate show and rehearsal schedules. Now, it’s 6:30am to 12:30am give or take. I’ve never napped before since it affects my perception of time, so I’m really up for the entire day!
Exercise & Vitamins
I honestly loved the gym and I’m sure it loved me and my scattered appearances. It’s easy to get lazy at home, so I’ve decided to start the day with a full workout inside and a 10 minute jog outside (maintaining distance from everyone, of course). Also, without going outside much, I need to take lots of vitamin D (get your mind out of the gutter, y’all). Extra fruits and vegetables are worth waiting in line for at the grocery store or ordering online.
Social Activities
Being an extrovert in these times is truly torture. I’d love to see my friends, my crew and my family but that’s just not possible right now. With my voice back, I’ve decided to only communicate with people who bring positive vibes (really though, who needs their enemies or negativity these days). I can only do 1 really big call a day and 2 short video calls so I pick and choose everyone carefully. My friends and family are incredibly amazing and forever sending me nonsensical, irrational memes that keep me laughing for hours. We’ve been doing movie nights via Whatsapp, cleaning & chill on the phone and planning ridiculous things to do for when this is all over. A really good friend of mine read to me over the phone before bed. That melted my heart. I’ve never felt more blessed in my life.
Music
I don’t know when this whole thing is going to end but when it does, I need to be ready for the shows to come, so I’ve been slowly getting back into vocal training, dancing and even producing (wow). I’ve started to talk to my team about post quarantine planning and hey, maybe a new album is in the works? You will never know, never know...
Meditation
Before Coronagate, I was slipping up on my meditation routine and I’ll admit, I wasn’t as connected spiritually as I once was. This is probably why the world felt like it was imploding even before the virus fully interrupted our lives. I’ve doubled my meditations to twice daily. The amount of healing that comes from it has brightened each day drastically. Just the first two days of double meditation helped to deal with not just the helplessness and fear from the pandemic, but also the heavy grey feelings I had from losing so many people prior to it. I feel much more connected and emotionally capable to handle what the universe will throw my way (dear universe, it would be great if you could not send another catastrophe…love, everybody).
Focus on what can be controlled
Last night, my friend asked me what my future plan was. I had to contain my hysterical laughter. I told him, “I have no f***ing clue!”. The feeling of not knowing what to do has overwhelmed me for weeks but this morning, I realized I was treating this entire situation as if Covid-19 controlled me. I had forgotten something crucial that has gotten me through the most difficult times of my life: you cannot control everything. The universe will always do what it does and we can only control so much. I was always the person who fought so hard for what I wanted and had a backup plan to my backup’s backup plan. I was always creative and found some other way to make it despite what was in front of me. The stark realization that I had simply given up on everything was startling! I had to remind myself that I may not be able to control the virus but I can wash my hands, clean and sanitize my kitchen three times a day and keep social distancing. All my shows may be cancelled for this season, but I can gear up for the next season to come back even stronger. Even silly things like not being able to find toilet paper in any store or breaking a nail when all of the nail salons are closed - they all create opportunities to figure out what I can control. Maybe a really good friend can drop off some toilet paper and Amazon may have some really cool nail kits for dummies! We all just gotta try and figure it all out.
Those are just some of the things that I am doing to “deal and heal” through all of this. I’d love to hear what you are all doing during these complex times. We’re all in this together after all!
Leave a comment, send me a DM on IG or send me an email: info@amanieillfated.com
Stay safe, healthy and sane everyone!
Amanie