Imagine this:
You walk into a room. Calm, ambient music is playing in the corner of this room. A stream of serene sunlight pours in from the tall window panes that take up an entire wall and diffuses through the sheer white curtains. The furniture, carpets and decor are an immaculate palette of neutral cream colored beiges. Throughout the room, dapper men and immaculate women are lingering about having casual conversations about the beach house they bought or the stocks they’d like to invest in or perhaps just about what is going on in their lives. You slightly adjust your outfit and stroll into the room cooly.
As soon as you enter, you spot a familiar face. It’s your mother’s friend, Renata. She excitedly springs over to you and you watch her eyes narrow and her smile loses authenticity. She says, “Oh my, I haven’t seen you in so long! You look so skinny! What’s going on with you? Are you sick?”
You smile meekly and trip over your response. Should you:
Be polite and just continue to smile while swallowing the massive wad of uncomfortable feelings inside so it squeezes through the valves in your heart and settles somewhere between your navel and spine. You do this as you recall how you had spent the past year attending countless yoga sessions, pouring sweat on the gym floor after work, eating an entire forest of salads, chugging oceans of water and you even dedicated 15 minutes of each day to meditate; all this in the name of being healthy so you can live longer and actually be proud of yourself and your body. (Through gritted teeth: so what the f*ck Renata!)
Or
Be curt and mirror her words by saying, “I know, it’s been such a while! You look fat and old! What’s been going on? Are you okay?” The moment Renata hears these words, her entire face goes pale. She opens her mouth to speak but only a few letters of words sputter from her mouth. Those within earshot are now cross and appalled at how you could say something so rude so brazenly! (but again, what the f*ck Renata!)
Can you truly imagine a world in which option B became prevalent? Everyone spewing back the garbage that’s tossed in their direction? It wouldn’t be something that could just be blamed on the millennials this time, as pretty much everything is, since the sentiment would be felt across multiple generations in multiple countries and would not be restricted to one specific group but instead, all of them. I know with certainty that being an African in the diaspora, it is customary for pretty much every woman to comment on how you look, mostly in a brash way that stings and out of respect, thou shalt not respond. And they mean well but... what if we could respond with equal bitterness without being exiled or worse?
“You look tired” would warrant a response of “You look like you’ve aged 6 decades.”
“You gained so much weight” would warrant a response of “Your husband left you because you’re ugly.”
“This hairstyle would be better on you” would warrant a response of “Why don’t you just shave your hair off and have Mickey Mouse tattooed on your scalp?”
All of that sounds absurd, right? But ask yourself these questions:
How many times a day are you criticized by someone?
How many friends are in your social circle constantly criticizing you or themselves?
How many people can only have conversations if they can persistently give their opinion?
How many people (including family members) are you avoiding because they are constantly critical?
How many commercials and advertisements do you come across each day that show you or even tell you what you should be buying and what you could look like?
How many times do you criticize others or push your opinion onto them?
If you have never been criticized by someone, never had friends or people or family members who are critical and have non-stop opinions and have escaped any attempt to market something to you AND you’ve never done the same to another person, you are extremely lucky! For the rest of us, I’m sure though that you could answer each one of those questions with specific people in mind, specific instances and specific commercials or advertisements you’ve bought into. (Apple people, you and I are included in this).
But there’s one more question that must be asked and this is the most crucial one:
How many times a day do you criticize yourself?
If you haven’t already, tally up the numbers. For me, on average, I get criticized about 25 times per family member above my age, I (had) 4 close friends that were constantly critical of me. I avoid pretty much my entire family with the exception of one sister. I am in an industry where criticism and advertisements are everywhere; Twitter, Instagram and Facebook comments can get intense. To add to that, I criticize myself at least 40 times a day.
Think of all of that negativity that we are bombarded with on a daily basis. All of that criticism over years: you’re too skinny, your skin is too dark, you should change your hair, you should go to American Idol (what?), you should have a baby and get married, you should move to another city, you should become a doctor, you should wear these types of clothes, you’re not African enough, you’re not Canadian enough, why aren’t you like the black people on TV, you need to get an iPhone, why don’t I have a bigger butt, why can’t I get more work done, why can’t I hit this note today, why can’t I be happier, blah, blah blah…
And then you walk into that room and bump into Renata and hear, “You look so skinny! What’s going on with you? Are you sick?”
Where is a safe place for you to go when you face criticism in every place and even in your own mind!!!??? (Insert all the angry emoticons here)
Deep breath.
Don’t get me wrong, some criticism is necessary but many times, it is hurtful whether it is intentional or not. And no amount of thick skin can make you immune to the pain that this can cause.
This is a challenge that I’m sure everyone faces. It’s also a challenge that cannot be fixed necessarily, but perhaps we can all brainstorm ideas of how to combat this in a healthy way. I thought of these ones:
They’re projecting their insecurities onto you. If a bitter person isn’t happy with their body, they will criticize anyone with a body that they deem perfect or even imperfect. There’s nothing in particular that can be done for them as it is their battle. Some ways to skirt around this could be to say things like, “Thank you, I've been working out a lot these days and dropped some weight. I can give you some tips if you are looking to shed a few pounds”. Simple, sweet and deflects the issue back to its original owner.
Take it easy on yourself. Self explanatory advice that sounds an excellent slogan, but could sometimes be more complex than physics, rocket science or trying to keep up with conspiracy theorists. Many people can be perfectionists or really hard on themselves (myself included), but let’s all just try to let some things go and just accept our flaws, our mistakes, our little f*ckups here and there… breathe. Say more positive things to ourselves. Fight the urge to review every mistake in your mind. If we are negative to ourselves, we could easily pass that on to others in just one sentence.
Count how many critiques or opinions from a person you receive versus how many compliments or positive feedback you get from them. If there are too many negative comments or they can’t get past their own opinions, mention it to the person. “I’ve noticed you’ve been very critical of me this hour / you’ve given me your opinion numerous times rather than exploring other ideas”. You can make it sound less cheesy as you please. Sometimes, they don’t even know that they are being too critical. If they are not in a place in their life where they can receive this information positively, it may be time to drift away for a bit until they come to a place where they can. This is tedious, but worth it for those people who make you feel down, frequently defensive or frustrated.
Changing how you communicate can do wonders. To make sure that I, too, wasn’t contributing to the negative storm, I started to count how many times I criticized someone or told them what to do when they didn’t ask. I vowed to give more compliments, more positive feedback and tell people how proud I am of their achievements and be genuinely happy for them. I asked myself before speaking if it is really necessary to make certain comments or critiques of someone. Many times, the answer is no. The times when it was necessary, rather than directly blurting it out, I would hold the thought, form it into a question such as “would you be comfortable if I made a suggestion to you about…” and if they say no to the question or even to the suggestion, we’d move on from it.
If all else fails, do not ever feel bad about cutting someone out of your life, even if it is temporary. We already deal with so much everywhere we go. Why do we need to keep subjecting ourselves to unhealthy relationships?
Now, imagine this:
You’re in the same room, choking on the lump of rage you have for Renata, but you’re still holding yourself politely. You spot another familiar face. This time, it is your mother’s friend Bruce. He excitedly approaches you and says, “Hey! It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you. How have you been? What have you been up to these days?”
Suddenly, you stop choking on rage. That feeling that sunk into your stomach dissipates. Your shoulders ease up.
We can always aim to become better people so we can have more conversations that light our hearts and minds and use that positive energy to make the world even a little bit better for everyone.
Do you have any thoughts/suggestions to help those who struggle with this issue? Leave a comment below or email info@amanieillfated.com
Love, Amanie
**PS, The Renata in this article is just a fictional person. I chose the name based on a character in Liane Moriarty’s ‘Big Little Lies’. Bruce is also fictional, although it’s cause I was thinking about Bruce Willis and plan to cue up ‘Perfect Stranger’ this weekend.